New Zealand Literature Review, 3rd Day of Research
New Zealand on the Web. (2006). Facts about New Zealand. Retrieved January 6, 2007, from http://www.nz.com/new-zealand/guide-book/facts.aspx
Facts About New Zealand
As of 21:09:33 22-Mar-1992
General Profile
Area 103,736 sq mi = 269,000 sq km
Population 1988 3,343,000
Population Growth 0.88 %
Population Density 32 /sq mi
GNP 1988 (millions) $25,856
GNP per Capita $7,734
Capital City Wellington
Banks
8:30am to 4:30pm - can vary slightly
Business Hours
Monday to Friday 9am to 5pm. Late night for shopping is either Thursday or Friday. Most shops open Saturday morning, with some shops and markets remaining open all week-end, in certain resorts and city centres.
Climate
Southern termperate zone. Neither excessively hot nor cold. Raincoat essential. Warm clothing suitable most of year. Seasons reversed from N. Hemisphere.
Currency
Decimal system based on New Zealand dollar, with cent denominations.
Coins are 5 cent 10 cent 20 cent 50 cent
1 dollar 2 dollar
Notes are 5 dollar 10 dollar 20 dollar 50 dollar
100 dollar
All major credit cards are accepted widely.
New Zealand operates a Goods and Services Tax of 12.5% on ALL goods and services sold.
Electricity
230 volts AC, 50 hertz. 3 pin appliance plug
phase --------> / \ <---- neutral
(or live)
| <--------- earth
Most hotels will have shaver plugs suitable for all international appliance of low power rating, and which will supply 110 and 230 volts.
Telephone
Similar to British Telecom sytle. Uses BT 600 plug (not RJ-11) Phone line is pins 2 and 5 of the BT 600 plug (RJ-11 is pins 3 &4). Hotels will have difficulty in converting plugs styles.
Most NZ telephone systems can handle DTMF tone dialling.
BEWARE: NZ pulse dilaing is the reverse of most countries.
The digit are reversed and so produce different numbers of pulses. The conversion is:
digit | # of Pulses
----------+---------------
0 | 10
1 | 9
2 | 8
3 | 7
4 | 6
5 | 5
6 | 4
7 | 3
8 | 2
9 | 1
Travel Details
* Customs generally more formal than in neighboring Australia.
* Visa: Not required of US citizens in possession of a return or onward ticket staying up to 90 days. Passports must be valid 3 months beyond date of departure.
* Health: Facilities good. No special precautions necessary.
NB: Agriculture Checks
Demographics
Population 1975 3,071,000
Population 1988 3,343,000
Population 1989 3,372,000
Population 1990 3,402,000
Population 2000 3,714,000
Population Growth 0.88 %
Population Density 32 /sq mi
Pop'n Doubling Time 79 years
Age Distribution:
Age range Male % Female %
0-9 8.0 7.6
10-19 9.4 9.0
20-29 8.6 8.4
30-39 7.4 7.5
40-49 5.4 5.3
50-59 4.5 4.4
60-69 3.6 4.1
70+ 2.7 4.1
Total 49.6 50.4
Literacy Rate 99 %
Urbanization 83.5 %
Major Cities
Population Longitude Code
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Wellington 360,000 41.17S,174.47E 4
Auckland 890,000 36.52S,174.46E 9
Christchurch 335,000 43.33S,172.40E 3
Hamilton 170,000 37.46S,175.18E 7
Dunedin 115,000 45.52S,170.30E 3
Telephone Country Code 64
Telex Access Code 791
Ham Radio Prefix ZL
X.25 Country Code 05301
Health Statistics
Life Expectancy (M) 71.0 years
Life Expectancy (F) 77.0 years
Crude Birth Rate 16.3 /1000
Crude Death Rate 8.3 /1000
Infant Mortality 10.8 /1000
No. of Hospitals 318
No. of Hospital Beds 23,052
No. of Physicians 5,210
No. of Dentists 1,160
No. of Pharmacists 2,300
Nursing Personnel 22,000
Government
Type of Government: Parliamentary
Elected on a 3 year term, with around 96 electorates. Each electorate has one seat in the House of Representatives called Parliament. Generally, the party with the most seats will form the Government.
Government Leaders GOVERNOR GENERAL Dame Cath Tizard
PRIME MINISTER Helen Clarke
Major Parties National
Labour
Green Party
Cultural
Languages English
Maori
Ethnic Groups European 88 %
Maori 9 %
Pacific Islander 2 %
Other 1 %
Religions Christian 81 %
Unaffil. & Other 19 %
Main Sights and Places of Interest
* Sights: Auckland, the Bay of Islands, Rotorua thermal area, Fjordland Nat'l Park, Mt. Cook, Wellington.
Economic Details
GROSS NATIONAL PRODUCT (GNP) 1989 (millions) $26,141
Annual GNP Growth 1.1 %
GNP per Capita $7,734
GNP for Agriculture 8 %
GNP for Industry 31 %
GNP for Services 61 %
GNP for Defense 2.2 %
Balance of Trade -$1,299,000,000 (1986)
Major Imports Major Exports
Oil Beef
Vehicles Wool
Machinery Dairy Products
Electrical Equipment Manufactured Goods
Iron & Steel Transport Equipment
Wood Products
Natural Resources Agriculture
Natural Gas Wool
Iron Ore Meat
Sands Dairy Products
Coal
Timber
Hydroelectric Power Major Industries
Gold Food Processing
Limestone Textiles
Machinery
Transport Equipment
Fish Processing
Wood Products
Banking
Insurance
Tourism
Mining
Map of New Zealand
__
\. _\.\___
\...... \......\ Bay of Islands
\....1. \...... \....__ \...\ _
Auckland----\->X\_ \ \....\__\ \........\ Bay of Plenty
Tasman \........\_
Sea \.........\ ______
\..........\ /...../
North \..........\ __/...../_
Island |..........\___/........./
|........2............../
/......................./
____/..................___../
New /x............/\Lake....| \/
Plymouth |.............--Taupo..3\_ Hawkes
\.....................___/ Bay
\____.............._/
\............/
\........../
/........_/
/......../
____ Wellington/......../
/\ Nelson/\/\/\ /._....../
/..\______/X... / /X//...._/
/................\ \__/
/..................|_ Cook Strait
|.................../
|................../
/................../
/...//............./
_/...//............_/ South
/...//............./_ Island
_/..//.................|
/...//.................X\_Christchurch
/...//...................__|
/..//................____/ Banks Penninsula
Southern-------/->//4.............._/
Alps __/.//..............__/
__/..//.............../
/...//................/
___/..//................../
/7....//6................./ 1 Whangarei
/.....//................../ 2 Rotorua
/........................_/ 3 Napier
/........5...............X\Dunedin 4 Mt Cook
\........................./ 5 Te Anau
\________________......./ 6 Wanaka
Foveaux___Strait \_____/ 7 Milford
\..\ Stewart
/._/ Island
/_/
-==//==- nzfacts.txt --
rich@tosh.wcc.govt.nz (Richard Naylor ) formatting witbrock@cs.cmu.edu
New Zealand on the Web. (2006). New Zealand Weather Information. Retrieved January 6, 2007, from http://www.nz.com/new-zealand/guide-book/weather/index.aspx
New Zealand Weather Information
General
We're not called downunder without reason! Our coldest month is July, and our warmest is in January; our seasons opposite to those in the Northern Hemisphere. Average temperatures are around 15C (60F) in the upper North Island, and around 10C (50F) near the bottom of the South Island. The climate is fairly mild, without the extremes experienced in many other countries. In fact, New zealand doesn't tend to have temperatures over 35C (100F) or under -10C (14F). It tends to snow only in the mountains in the North Island, and mainly in the Southern Alps in the South Island, although it has been known to snow on some of the cities on the East Coast of the South Island from time to time.
Maximum & Minimum
City Maximum Minimum
Celsius Farenheit Celsius Farenheit
Kaitaia 24 78 8 46
Whangarei 25 80 7 44
Auckland 23 76 8 46
Tauranga 24 78 5 40
Hamilton 24 78 3 36
Gisborne 25 80 4 38
Napier 24 78 5 40
New Plymouth 21 72 5 40
Palmerston North 22 74 4 38
Wellington 20 70 6 44
Nelson 22 74 1 32
Blenheim 24 78 2 34
Hokitika 19 68 3 36
Mt Cook 19 68 -2 28
Christchurch 22 74 1 32
Timaru 21 72 1 32
Milford Sound 18 66 1 32
Alexandra 23 76 -2 28
Dunedin 19 68 3 36
Invercargill 18 66 1 32
These figures represent average mid-summer and mid-winter temperatures
Sunshine!
The sunniest place in New Zealand is Nelson, in fact both Nelson and Blenheim (near the top of the South Island) vie for top sunshine honours! Regionally, Wellington was much sunnier in 1997 than it usually is, recording 2,168 hours of sunshine. Auckland (known for being a little greyer) recorded around its average, 2,053 hours. Christchurch was sunnier than Auckland, getting 2,156 hours of sunshine in 1997, and Dunedin sadly, came last, recording only 1,643 hours of sunshine.
What do I wear?
One of the most common questions asked before planning a trip is, naturally, what should I bring to wear?! We've put together this small guide to help your planning:
Region Summer (Dec-Feb) Autumn (Mar-May) Winter (Jun-Aug) Spring (Sep-Nov)
Around Auckland sunscreen, beachwear, sandals, mosquito repellent, light cover Rain jacket, at least one warm jersey/sweater lots of pullovers/sweaters, warm coat, rainwear cardigan/sweater, umbrella
Around Wellington sunscreen, hat, light clothes rainwear, light sweater, light coat rainwear, warm coat, gloves, fairly warm sweaters rainwear (don't bring an umbrella, the wellington winds will eat it!
Around Christchurch sunscreen, light cover, light clothes lots of warm sweaters, heavy jacket lots of very warm sweaters, thick coat, hat, gloves light jacket, rainwear
Around Dunedin sunscreen, light clothes light coat umbrella, rainwear, sweaters light clothes, umbrella, light sweater
New Zealand on the Web. (2006). Language in New Zealand. Retrieved January 6, 2007, from http://www.nz.com/new-zealand/guide-book/language/
Language in New Zealand
Though the main language spoken in New Zealand is currently English, it was not always so. Before European colonisation of New Zealand, the Maori people were the only in habitants of the islands.
* American Cultural Knowlege for Confused New Zealanders
* US/NZ English Dictionary
* Te Reo Maori
* The Treaty of Waitangi in English and in Maori
New Zealand on the Web. (2006). New Zealand Food. Retrieved January 6, 2007, from http://www.nz.com/new-zealand/guide-book/food/
New Zealand Food
Ngahuru ki runga, ngahuru ki raro, maa te paroparo e aki
Ten above, ten below, let the skull grind them together
* A definitive answer to the question of whether Pavlovas were invented in NZ or Australia.
* Ross Finlayson's page about what a kiwi is and isn't. (Not a kiwifruit.).
* Information about Vegemite and the related substance Marmite.
* Pavlovas, pies and the Edmond's Cookbook.
* The delicate matter of huhu grubs.
* How to make
* Ginger Beer (excellent - I've tried it)
* Afghan Biscuits
* ANZAC Biscuits
* Roast Lamb
* Pavlovas
* HokeyPokey
* Banana Sandwiches
* Golden Syrup
* Gingernuts
* Horrors: Vegemite Quiche.
* What's a pipi, tuatua, etc?
* A tract from the propaganda department of the Dairy Industry on why butter is good and margarine bad (such admonitions are a part of NZ culture. This one's actually plausible.)
New Zealand on the Web. (2006). New Zealand National Anthem. Retrieved January 6, 2007, from http://www.nz.com/new-zealand/guide-book/music/
This page is dedicated to the National Anthem of New Zealand. New Zealand on the web also hosts an area about various New Zealand music labels.
"God Defend New Zealand" (National Anthem)
Click Here for the Music The New Zealand Symphony Orchestra kindly recorded a performance of the National Anthem especially for the New Zealand on the Web. Click the image at the start of the paragraph to hear it.[1]
I would like to express my extreme gratitude to those who made it possible:
* Kenneth Young Conductor in Residence of the NZSO.
* Michael Fine - Grammy-winning record producer from Koch International Records.
* Sam Negri - Recording engineer
* Dale Gold - Principal Double Bassist for the NZSO, and the prime motivator in making this recording possible.
* and especially ... The Players of the NZSO - who donated their services at the end of an extremely difficult and tiring recording session.
God Defend New Zealand
Words by Thomas Bracken, music by John J. Woods
Music for the first verse follows.
God of nations! at Thy feet
In the bonds of love we meet,
Hear our voices, we entreat,
God defend our Free Land.
Guard Pacific's triple star,
From the shafts of strife and war,
Make her praises heard afar,
God defend New Zealand
Men of ev'ry creed and race
Gather here before Thy face,
Asking Thee to bless this place,
God defend our Free Land.
From dissension, envy, hate,
And corruption guard our State,
Make our country good and great,
God defend New Zealand.
Peace, not war, shall be our boast,
But, should foes assail our coast,
Make us then a mighty host,
God defend our Free Land.
Lord of battles in thy might,
Put our enemies to flight,
Let our cause be just and right,
God defend New Zealand.
Let our love for Thee increase,
May Thy blessings never cease,
Give us plenty, give us peace,
God defend our Free Land.
From dishonour and from shame
Guard our country's spotless name
Crown her with immortal fame,
God defend New Zealand.
May our mountains ever be
Freedom's ramparts on the sea,
Make us faithful unto Thee,
God defend our Free Land.
Guide her in the nations' van,
Preaching love and truth to man,
Working out Thy Glorious plan,
God defend New Zealand.
This version of the national anthem was published in the Listener in 1940.
Contributed by nvtuan@deepthnk.kiwi.gen.nz (Tuan Nguyen) 07 Oct 1994
Dale Gold contributed this image.
Maori Version
There are also Maori words to the anthem (was ripped from Jennifer George's NZ Songs page - Sorry Jennifer your pages are no longer there, please get in touch :-).
E Ihoa Atua,
O nga Iwi Matoura,
Ata whaka rongona;
Me aroha noa.
Kia hua ko te pai;
Kia tau to atawhai;
Manaakitia mai
Aotearoa
Ona mano tangata
Kiri whero, kiri ma,
Iwi Maori Pakeha
Repeke katoa,
Nei ka tono ko nga he
Mau e whakaahu ke,
Kia ora marire
Aotearoa
Waiho tona takiwa
Ko te ao marama;
Kia whiti tona ra
Taiawhio noa.
Ko te hae me te ngangau
Meinga kia kore kau;
Waiho i te rongo mau
Aotearoa
Tona pai me toitu;
Tika rawa, pono pu;
Tona noho, tana tu;
Iwi no Ihoa.
Kaua mona whakama;
Kia hau te ingoa;
Kia tu hei tauira;
Aotearoa
[1] The original recording is a CD quality DAT. I have converted it to an approximately 0.56Mb sun audio file for inclusion here. As web technology improves I shall improve the file served. My apologies for any loss of quality, and my thanks to Ricky Houghton and Arthur McNair at CMU who helped to move the data from the DAT to a computer. The copyright for the recording remains with the New Zealand Symphony Orchestra. Do not duplicate it without their permission.
New Zealand on the Web. (2006). The Hitchhiker’s Guide to New Zealand. Retrieved January 6, 2007, from http://www.nz.com/new-zealand/guide-book/hitchhikersguide.aspx
The Hitchhiker's Guide To New Zealand
And the Rabbi spake:
Soc.Culture.New-Zealand FAQ file
by Rabbi Bajzheet and The Jumping Mollusc of The Burning Giraffe
Date: Sort of late December 1991
DISCLAIMER: These are our views. These are not the views of our government, parents, bank managers, giraffe, probation officers or university and we have no employers. We don't care. Okay, here it is - the highly unofficial scnz faq file. Comments are most welcome, mail us at rabbi@kiwi.gen.nz and include lots of yummy food parcels.
Geography
New Zealand is situated the same distance eastwards from Australia as London is to Moscow. So if anybody tells you it's right next to Australia, tell them to go away.
It is bigger than Connecticut, but smaller than Canada.
There are two main islands - The North Island and The South Island. There is also about a zillion other islands dotted around and about, none of which need concern you.
The South Island is slightly bigger than the North Island, but South Islanders that refer to themselves as "Mainlanders" are *&^%$#.
The largest city in New Zealand is Auckland, which has a population of approximately 900,000 people, many of whom own Holdens (qv).
The capital is Wellington; which is really boring and windy and don't go there.
The fourth largest New Zealand city is called Bondi, a suburb of Sydney. It has more New Zealanders in it than Hamilton (qv).
Lake Taupo, situated in the centre of the North Island, is very big, but smaller than Texas, and has less guns but more trout.
All you need know when traveling in New Zealand is:
# North Island: beaches
# South Island: mountains
...and don't go to Dannevirke, you'll hate it.
I was recently told about the perfect NZ tourist's map. It is a world map produced by an English publisher for use in schools, probably in the 1940s or 50s. It has marked on New Zealand three cities - Auckland, Wellington and Bennydale.
Go to Bennydale, it's choice. Mollusc's dad got beaten up by a big Maori woman in the Bennydale pub in 1976.
If you're a Crowded House or Split Enz fan, a pilgrimage to Te Awamutu is essential. You will see why Split Enz split, and why Neil Finn now lives in Melbourne.
Hamilton is a strange place - very foggy in winter, and not in Canada (or Connecticut). If you are hitch hiking in the area and somebody offers you a lift "as far as Hamilton", you can guarantee you will end up walking from one side of town to the other, which will a) take about two hours and b) not endear you to any part of the stinky, boring, flat, green Waikato plains.
History
Many years ago a bloke called Maui went fishing with his brothers, using his grandmother's jawbone as a fish hook (apparently his grandmother's jaw fell off through overuse, an object lesson in verbosity). He caught a big fish and hauled it to the surface. It was a big fish (man). Like, really really big. About as big as the North Island. In fact, if the truth be told, it *was* the North Island. But that's okay, because Maui's canoe was pretty large as well, as big as The South Island. (get the picture?)
Maui's brothers, seeing the size of the fish, became jealous and laid into it with their meres and axes and stuff, thus conveniently terraforming it into a fairly rugged bit of heavily forested fish (or land, as geologists prefer to call it).
A bit after that, in a huge migration from Hawaiiki (probably no relation), the Maori people arrived in this new land of Aotearoa, The Land of The Long White Cloud.
After spending about 1000 years not inventing the internal combustion engine, nuclear weapons, those horrible guttering systems which get clogged up with leaves and twigs and dead sparrows and need to be cleaned out every six months, or Unix, the country was colonised (invaded) by Europeans, bringing blankets, muskets, whaling ships, God, syphilis, tuberculosis and guttering systems.
The Maoris, overwhelmed by the European's staggering generosity, occasionally went berko and killed some settlers, but to no avail. By 1840, the Treaty of Waitangi - popularly advertised as New Zealand's founding document - was signed by the Governor of New Zealand (representing Queen Vicky of England) and various Maori chiefs, representing each tribe.
After another thirty years of bloodshed, things began to settle down a little bit and the real business of farming sheep and building towns like Bulls could begin in earnest.
Bulls was built. It still exists today. Aaaaaargh.
The capital was moved from Russell to Auckland to Wellington to London to Washington. There was speculation during the 1940 s that the new capital might be Berlin or Tokyo, but such rumours were unfounded in the cold impartial light of military superiority and nuclear weapons.
World War One came, and with it came the battle of Gallipoli, in which heaps of Kiwis and Aussies got dropped on the wrong beach by a Pommie Bastard who was probably marinating his brain in gin at the time. A battle that should have lasted about twelve hours lasted six months, and cost Gunner Spinley (Mollusc's grandad) his face, which stopped a Turkish bullet.
World War Two rolled around, and thousands more Kiwis died displaying the refreshing lack of self-preservation that Allied High Command was so enarmoured with.
The score stands at New Zealand two, Germany nil.
Nuclear ships stopped coming in 1984 with the election of The First Labour Government in a Very Long Time. America loves us slightly less than it did before.
The French blew up a Greenpeace ship, The Rainbow Warrior, in Auckland in 1985. We like the French slightly less than we did before. However, due to the fact that we export dairy products and beef and lamb to France, we don't dislike them enough to really do anything about it.
We won the Rugby World Cup in 1987 and nobody really cares, except Westies (qv) and their fathers.
We had a sesquicentenial in 1990 (150th anniversary - we note with interest that the word did not exist prior to 1990). It was crap and lost lots of money.
Politics
There are three main political parties in New Zealand: National, Labour and McGillicuddy Serious.
National: Currently the government. A bunch of right wing dickheads, intent of reducing inflation to 0-2% per annum by taking away everybody's money until nobody can afford anything, so prices don't go up. Simple? Rumour has it, so too is the Minister of Finance.
Labour: The Opposition. A bunch of right wing dickheads, who used to be a bunch of left wing dickheads until 1984 when, rumour has it, their souls were all sold to the Business Round Table (Mafia). We don't believe this, no no no, not at all. But it's worth repeating.
McGilicuddy Serious: Scottish Monarchist Regressionists, intent in re-establishing the Jacobite line to supreme executive office, then disassembling all the trappings of modern technology (internal combustion engines, guttering systems, Unix, etc) and living a life of pastoral, clan-oriented bliss. Due to growing popular disillusionment with both National and Labour, an outside favourite to win the 1993 general election.
It is interesting to note that New Zealand has no formal constitution and only one house of Parliament. So, if The McGillicuddy Serious Party is elected, it can do all this quite legally.
Culture
Buzzy Bees: A quintessential piece of Kiwiana. It is a small wooden bee that toddlers can drag around on a piece of string. It has wings that rotate (backwards) and it makes a weird clicking sound. They are no longer made, much to the author 's remorse.
The Edmond's Cook Book: More copies of this book have been sold in New Zealand than any other book (ever). Produced by Edmonds, makers of fine Baking Powder, Cake Mix and Bournville Cocoa. There are hundreds of recipes, many incorporating Edmond's "Sure to Rise" Baking Powder, Edmond's Cake Mix, and Bournville Cocoa.
Holdens: Holden is an Australian car manufacturer, a subsidiary of General Motors. Most Australisians either don't know this, or don't care. The classic New Zealand car is a very old grey Holden station wagon, with shot suspension and dodgy brakes. It is driven by Westies (qv). They are popular because they are cheap (because they are crap) and have big engines, which may or may not be V8s. We don't know, nor care. We are cyclists, who dislike most cars and hate Holdens.
Swannies: Woolen bush shirts and jackets made by Swanndri NZ Ltd. Very waterproof, scratchy, rugged, warm and make you look like a mass murderer when hitch hiking.
Pavlova: 3 egg whites 1 teaspoon vinegar
3 tablespoons cold water 1 teaspoon vanilla essence
1 cup castor sugar 3 teaspoons cornflour
Beat egg whites until stiff, add cold water and beat again. Add
castor sugar gradually while still beating. Slow beater and add
vinegar, vanilla and cornflour. Place of greased paper on greased
tray and bake at 150 degrees C (300 F) for 45 minutes, then leave to
cool in the oven.
(Courtesy of The Edmond's Cookbook (naturally)).
This recipie never works, nor does any other recipie for pav, except this one:
$15 Bicycle
Carrier bag
Ride bicycle down to supermarket, purchase pavlova with $15, place in
carrier bag. Ride home. Remove pavlova from carrier bag, place in
cold oven. When guests arrive, remove from oven and say "Look at this
pav I just made!"
Any Australians, South Africans, Yugoslavians or Tibetans who tell you that the pav was invented in their country are liars and are not to be believed.
Pies: North Americans may be unfamiliar with this phenomenon. A pie is a savoury hors d'oeuvres pastry thing, but three times the size, filled with meat (from whence we can only guess) and with a lid on.
The worst pies in New Zealand can be had for NZ$1.60 a piece at a grimy, smelly, cockroach-infested petrol station by Lake Karapiro. Coming a close second are the infamous Putrid Pies of Panmure (a suburb of Auckland). They seem to be available from all the bakeries - do not touch them, they are the source of all evil.
There are some quite nice pies in Queenstown, but we really hate Queenstown, and this ruins the whole pie eating experience for us. There are also some quite nice pies in Onehunga (south Auckland). However, it should be noted that pies can never be rated at anything above "good". Also, pie criticism is one of the most subjective things imaginable.
Westies: Westies are youths who wear black jeans, basketball boots, black jerseys and black tee shirts. They have long hair at the back, short hair at the front. They listen to far too much AC/DC, Midnight Oil and U2 for their own good. They drive Holdens, and are typically called Wayne or Trev. They can be distinguished from Goths in that they usually have axle grease all over their hands, jerseys, etc and don't like The Sisters of Mercy and haven't heard of Bauhaus. Also, they usually have suntans and have no unwarranted suicidal tendencies. They play rugby league and drink Rheineck (beer coloured piss-water). The are singularly stupid, but are common all over New Zealand, especially in the small towns. The original Westies are from, as far as we can work out, West Auckland - Henderson, Te Atatu, etc. The American equivalent would be Bruce Springsteen the Panelbeater.
Sticky Filth: A band from New Plymouth. On the surface they appear to be three Westies who make a nasty noise. This is a fair statement, except that the singer/bassist has no hair, and they wear Doc Martens instead of basketball boots. They play a kind of fast, speed metal noise - a kind of cross between Dinosaur Jr, Napalm Death and a revving chainsaw.
His Majesty's Carpark, Auckland: Used to be His Majesty's Theatre, now a carpark. Used to be a cultural icon, now a carpark. Cars park there. Not bicycles, or theatre goers (obviously). Some Holdens may be found there.
The North Western Motorway: A fun thing to run across while on acid.
The Burning Giraffe: The name of our flat. Home of all that is good and righteous in the world, and venue for some pretty Goddamn demon parties, like last night, for example - a few more holes in the walls, some of the fence got burnt (it swore at Mollusc, apparently, so it had to die), furniture and barbeque got burnt too. C'est la mort. It was the final break-up party - we seven (plus assorted girlfriends, cat, dog etc) are going our more-or-less seperate ways after 15 odd months of sex, squalor, starvation and psychoactive substances. We'll be sorry to see the place go, but perhaps it was time - the back yard is full of beer bottles and charred aerosol cans, the front door won't close and the toilet has developed an alarming list to starboard (we're not kidding - eventually it's going to fall through the floor).
Finally, a joke:
Why did the chicken receive the Victoria Cross?
For valour.
Yours at 4am;
Rabbi and Mollusc, fuckabouts at large.
P.S. Careful readers will note there are no questions in this FAQ file.
Bugger.
Facts About New Zealand
As of 21:09:33 22-Mar-1992
General Profile
Area 103,736 sq mi = 269,000 sq km
Population 1988 3,343,000
Population Growth 0.88 %
Population Density 32 /sq mi
GNP 1988 (millions) $25,856
GNP per Capita $7,734
Capital City Wellington
Banks
8:30am to 4:30pm - can vary slightly
Business Hours
Monday to Friday 9am to 5pm. Late night for shopping is either Thursday or Friday. Most shops open Saturday morning, with some shops and markets remaining open all week-end, in certain resorts and city centres.
Climate
Southern termperate zone. Neither excessively hot nor cold. Raincoat essential. Warm clothing suitable most of year. Seasons reversed from N. Hemisphere.
Currency
Decimal system based on New Zealand dollar, with cent denominations.
Coins are 5 cent 10 cent 20 cent 50 cent
1 dollar 2 dollar
Notes are 5 dollar 10 dollar 20 dollar 50 dollar
100 dollar
All major credit cards are accepted widely.
New Zealand operates a Goods and Services Tax of 12.5% on ALL goods and services sold.
Electricity
230 volts AC, 50 hertz. 3 pin appliance plug
phase --------> / \ <---- neutral
(or live)
| <--------- earth
Most hotels will have shaver plugs suitable for all international appliance of low power rating, and which will supply 110 and 230 volts.
Telephone
Similar to British Telecom sytle. Uses BT 600 plug (not RJ-11) Phone line is pins 2 and 5 of the BT 600 plug (RJ-11 is pins 3 &4). Hotels will have difficulty in converting plugs styles.
Most NZ telephone systems can handle DTMF tone dialling.
BEWARE: NZ pulse dilaing is the reverse of most countries.
The digit are reversed and so produce different numbers of pulses. The conversion is:
digit | # of Pulses
----------+---------------
0 | 10
1 | 9
2 | 8
3 | 7
4 | 6
5 | 5
6 | 4
7 | 3
8 | 2
9 | 1
Travel Details
* Customs generally more formal than in neighboring Australia.
* Visa: Not required of US citizens in possession of a return or onward ticket staying up to 90 days. Passports must be valid 3 months beyond date of departure.
* Health: Facilities good. No special precautions necessary.
NB: Agriculture Checks
Demographics
Population 1975 3,071,000
Population 1988 3,343,000
Population 1989 3,372,000
Population 1990 3,402,000
Population 2000 3,714,000
Population Growth 0.88 %
Population Density 32 /sq mi
Pop'n Doubling Time 79 years
Age Distribution:
Age range Male % Female %
0-9 8.0 7.6
10-19 9.4 9.0
20-29 8.6 8.4
30-39 7.4 7.5
40-49 5.4 5.3
50-59 4.5 4.4
60-69 3.6 4.1
70+ 2.7 4.1
Total 49.6 50.4
Literacy Rate 99 %
Urbanization 83.5 %
Major Cities
Population Longitude Code
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Wellington 360,000 41.17S,174.47E 4
Auckland 890,000 36.52S,174.46E 9
Christchurch 335,000 43.33S,172.40E 3
Hamilton 170,000 37.46S,175.18E 7
Dunedin 115,000 45.52S,170.30E 3
Telephone Country Code 64
Telex Access Code 791
Ham Radio Prefix ZL
X.25 Country Code 05301
Health Statistics
Life Expectancy (M) 71.0 years
Life Expectancy (F) 77.0 years
Crude Birth Rate 16.3 /1000
Crude Death Rate 8.3 /1000
Infant Mortality 10.8 /1000
No. of Hospitals 318
No. of Hospital Beds 23,052
No. of Physicians 5,210
No. of Dentists 1,160
No. of Pharmacists 2,300
Nursing Personnel 22,000
Government
Type of Government: Parliamentary
Elected on a 3 year term, with around 96 electorates. Each electorate has one seat in the House of Representatives called Parliament. Generally, the party with the most seats will form the Government.
Government Leaders GOVERNOR GENERAL Dame Cath Tizard
PRIME MINISTER Helen Clarke
Major Parties National
Labour
Green Party
Cultural
Languages English
Maori
Ethnic Groups European 88 %
Maori 9 %
Pacific Islander 2 %
Other 1 %
Religions Christian 81 %
Unaffil. & Other 19 %
Main Sights and Places of Interest
* Sights: Auckland, the Bay of Islands, Rotorua thermal area, Fjordland Nat'l Park, Mt. Cook, Wellington.
Economic Details
GROSS NATIONAL PRODUCT (GNP) 1989 (millions) $26,141
Annual GNP Growth 1.1 %
GNP per Capita $7,734
GNP for Agriculture 8 %
GNP for Industry 31 %
GNP for Services 61 %
GNP for Defense 2.2 %
Balance of Trade -$1,299,000,000 (1986)
Major Imports Major Exports
Oil Beef
Vehicles Wool
Machinery Dairy Products
Electrical Equipment Manufactured Goods
Iron & Steel Transport Equipment
Wood Products
Natural Resources Agriculture
Natural Gas Wool
Iron Ore Meat
Sands Dairy Products
Coal
Timber
Hydroelectric Power Major Industries
Gold Food Processing
Limestone Textiles
Machinery
Transport Equipment
Fish Processing
Wood Products
Banking
Insurance
Tourism
Mining
Map of New Zealand
__
\. _\.\___
\...... \......\ Bay of Islands
\....1. \...... \....__ \...\ _
Auckland----\->X\_ \ \....\__\ \........\ Bay of Plenty
Tasman \........\_
Sea \.........\ ______
\..........\ /...../
North \..........\ __/...../_
Island |..........\___/........./
|........2............../
/......................./
____/..................___../
New /x............/\Lake....| \/
Plymouth |.............--Taupo..3\_ Hawkes
\.....................___/ Bay
\____.............._/
\............/
\........../
/........_/
/......../
____ Wellington/......../
/\ Nelson/\/\/\ /._....../
/..\______/X... / /X//...._/
/................\ \__/
/..................|_ Cook Strait
|.................../
|................../
/................../
/...//............./
_/...//............_/ South
/...//............./_ Island
_/..//.................|
/...//.................X\_Christchurch
/...//...................__|
/..//................____/ Banks Penninsula
Southern-------/->//4.............._/
Alps __/.//..............__/
__/..//.............../
/...//................/
___/..//................../
/7....//6................./ 1 Whangarei
/.....//................../ 2 Rotorua
/........................_/ 3 Napier
/........5...............X\Dunedin 4 Mt Cook
\........................./ 5 Te Anau
\________________......./ 6 Wanaka
Foveaux___Strait \_____/ 7 Milford
\..\ Stewart
/._/ Island
/_/
-==//==- nzfacts.txt --
rich@tosh.wcc.govt.nz (Richard Naylor ) formatting witbrock@cs.cmu.edu
New Zealand on the Web. (2006). New Zealand Weather Information. Retrieved January 6, 2007, from http://www.nz.com/new-zealand/guide-book/weather/index.aspx
New Zealand Weather Information
General
We're not called downunder without reason! Our coldest month is July, and our warmest is in January; our seasons opposite to those in the Northern Hemisphere. Average temperatures are around 15C (60F) in the upper North Island, and around 10C (50F) near the bottom of the South Island. The climate is fairly mild, without the extremes experienced in many other countries. In fact, New zealand doesn't tend to have temperatures over 35C (100F) or under -10C (14F). It tends to snow only in the mountains in the North Island, and mainly in the Southern Alps in the South Island, although it has been known to snow on some of the cities on the East Coast of the South Island from time to time.
Maximum & Minimum
City Maximum Minimum
Celsius Farenheit Celsius Farenheit
Kaitaia 24 78 8 46
Whangarei 25 80 7 44
Auckland 23 76 8 46
Tauranga 24 78 5 40
Hamilton 24 78 3 36
Gisborne 25 80 4 38
Napier 24 78 5 40
New Plymouth 21 72 5 40
Palmerston North 22 74 4 38
Wellington 20 70 6 44
Nelson 22 74 1 32
Blenheim 24 78 2 34
Hokitika 19 68 3 36
Mt Cook 19 68 -2 28
Christchurch 22 74 1 32
Timaru 21 72 1 32
Milford Sound 18 66 1 32
Alexandra 23 76 -2 28
Dunedin 19 68 3 36
Invercargill 18 66 1 32
These figures represent average mid-summer and mid-winter temperatures
Sunshine!
The sunniest place in New Zealand is Nelson, in fact both Nelson and Blenheim (near the top of the South Island) vie for top sunshine honours! Regionally, Wellington was much sunnier in 1997 than it usually is, recording 2,168 hours of sunshine. Auckland (known for being a little greyer) recorded around its average, 2,053 hours. Christchurch was sunnier than Auckland, getting 2,156 hours of sunshine in 1997, and Dunedin sadly, came last, recording only 1,643 hours of sunshine.
What do I wear?
One of the most common questions asked before planning a trip is, naturally, what should I bring to wear?! We've put together this small guide to help your planning:
Region Summer (Dec-Feb) Autumn (Mar-May) Winter (Jun-Aug) Spring (Sep-Nov)
Around Auckland sunscreen, beachwear, sandals, mosquito repellent, light cover Rain jacket, at least one warm jersey/sweater lots of pullovers/sweaters, warm coat, rainwear cardigan/sweater, umbrella
Around Wellington sunscreen, hat, light clothes rainwear, light sweater, light coat rainwear, warm coat, gloves, fairly warm sweaters rainwear (don't bring an umbrella, the wellington winds will eat it!
Around Christchurch sunscreen, light cover, light clothes lots of warm sweaters, heavy jacket lots of very warm sweaters, thick coat, hat, gloves light jacket, rainwear
Around Dunedin sunscreen, light clothes light coat umbrella, rainwear, sweaters light clothes, umbrella, light sweater
New Zealand on the Web. (2006). Language in New Zealand. Retrieved January 6, 2007, from http://www.nz.com/new-zealand/guide-book/language/
Language in New Zealand
Though the main language spoken in New Zealand is currently English, it was not always so. Before European colonisation of New Zealand, the Maori people were the only in habitants of the islands.
* American Cultural Knowlege for Confused New Zealanders
* US/NZ English Dictionary
* Te Reo Maori
* The Treaty of Waitangi in English and in Maori
New Zealand on the Web. (2006). New Zealand Food. Retrieved January 6, 2007, from http://www.nz.com/new-zealand/guide-book/food/
New Zealand Food
Ngahuru ki runga, ngahuru ki raro, maa te paroparo e aki
Ten above, ten below, let the skull grind them together
* A definitive answer to the question of whether Pavlovas were invented in NZ or Australia.
* Ross Finlayson's page about what a kiwi is and isn't. (Not a kiwifruit.).
* Information about Vegemite and the related substance Marmite.
* Pavlovas, pies and the Edmond's Cookbook.
* The delicate matter of huhu grubs.
* How to make
* Ginger Beer (excellent - I've tried it)
* Afghan Biscuits
* ANZAC Biscuits
* Roast Lamb
* Pavlovas
* HokeyPokey
* Banana Sandwiches
* Golden Syrup
* Gingernuts
* Horrors: Vegemite Quiche.
* What's a pipi, tuatua, etc?
* A tract from the propaganda department of the Dairy Industry on why butter is good and margarine bad (such admonitions are a part of NZ culture. This one's actually plausible.)
New Zealand on the Web. (2006). New Zealand National Anthem. Retrieved January 6, 2007, from http://www.nz.com/new-zealand/guide-book/music/
This page is dedicated to the National Anthem of New Zealand. New Zealand on the web also hosts an area about various New Zealand music labels.
"God Defend New Zealand" (National Anthem)
Click Here for the Music The New Zealand Symphony Orchestra kindly recorded a performance of the National Anthem especially for the New Zealand on the Web. Click the image at the start of the paragraph to hear it.[1]
I would like to express my extreme gratitude to those who made it possible:
* Kenneth Young Conductor in Residence of the NZSO.
* Michael Fine - Grammy-winning record producer from Koch International Records.
* Sam Negri - Recording engineer
* Dale Gold - Principal Double Bassist for the NZSO, and the prime motivator in making this recording possible.
* and especially ... The Players of the NZSO - who donated their services at the end of an extremely difficult and tiring recording session.
God Defend New Zealand
Words by Thomas Bracken, music by John J. Woods
Music for the first verse follows.
God of nations! at Thy feet
In the bonds of love we meet,
Hear our voices, we entreat,
God defend our Free Land.
Guard Pacific's triple star,
From the shafts of strife and war,
Make her praises heard afar,
God defend New Zealand
Men of ev'ry creed and race
Gather here before Thy face,
Asking Thee to bless this place,
God defend our Free Land.
From dissension, envy, hate,
And corruption guard our State,
Make our country good and great,
God defend New Zealand.
Peace, not war, shall be our boast,
But, should foes assail our coast,
Make us then a mighty host,
God defend our Free Land.
Lord of battles in thy might,
Put our enemies to flight,
Let our cause be just and right,
God defend New Zealand.
Let our love for Thee increase,
May Thy blessings never cease,
Give us plenty, give us peace,
God defend our Free Land.
From dishonour and from shame
Guard our country's spotless name
Crown her with immortal fame,
God defend New Zealand.
May our mountains ever be
Freedom's ramparts on the sea,
Make us faithful unto Thee,
God defend our Free Land.
Guide her in the nations' van,
Preaching love and truth to man,
Working out Thy Glorious plan,
God defend New Zealand.
This version of the national anthem was published in the Listener in 1940.
Contributed by nvtuan@deepthnk.kiwi.gen.nz (Tuan Nguyen) 07 Oct 1994
Dale Gold contributed this image.
Maori Version
There are also Maori words to the anthem (was ripped from Jennifer George's NZ Songs page - Sorry Jennifer your pages are no longer there, please get in touch :-).
E Ihoa Atua,
O nga Iwi Matoura,
Ata whaka rongona;
Me aroha noa.
Kia hua ko te pai;
Kia tau to atawhai;
Manaakitia mai
Aotearoa
Ona mano tangata
Kiri whero, kiri ma,
Iwi Maori Pakeha
Repeke katoa,
Nei ka tono ko nga he
Mau e whakaahu ke,
Kia ora marire
Aotearoa
Waiho tona takiwa
Ko te ao marama;
Kia whiti tona ra
Taiawhio noa.
Ko te hae me te ngangau
Meinga kia kore kau;
Waiho i te rongo mau
Aotearoa
Tona pai me toitu;
Tika rawa, pono pu;
Tona noho, tana tu;
Iwi no Ihoa.
Kaua mona whakama;
Kia hau te ingoa;
Kia tu hei tauira;
Aotearoa
[1] The original recording is a CD quality DAT. I have converted it to an approximately 0.56Mb sun audio file for inclusion here. As web technology improves I shall improve the file served. My apologies for any loss of quality, and my thanks to Ricky Houghton and Arthur McNair at CMU who helped to move the data from the DAT to a computer. The copyright for the recording remains with the New Zealand Symphony Orchestra. Do not duplicate it without their permission.
New Zealand on the Web. (2006). The Hitchhiker’s Guide to New Zealand. Retrieved January 6, 2007, from http://www.nz.com/new-zealand/guide-book/hitchhikersguide.aspx
The Hitchhiker's Guide To New Zealand
And the Rabbi spake:
Soc.Culture.New-Zealand FAQ file
by Rabbi Bajzheet and The Jumping Mollusc of The Burning Giraffe
Date: Sort of late December 1991
DISCLAIMER: These are our views. These are not the views of our government, parents, bank managers, giraffe, probation officers or university and we have no employers. We don't care. Okay, here it is - the highly unofficial scnz faq file. Comments are most welcome, mail us at rabbi@kiwi.gen.nz and include lots of yummy food parcels.
Geography
New Zealand is situated the same distance eastwards from Australia as London is to Moscow. So if anybody tells you it's right next to Australia, tell them to go away.
It is bigger than Connecticut, but smaller than Canada.
There are two main islands - The North Island and The South Island. There is also about a zillion other islands dotted around and about, none of which need concern you.
The South Island is slightly bigger than the North Island, but South Islanders that refer to themselves as "Mainlanders" are *&^%$#.
The largest city in New Zealand is Auckland, which has a population of approximately 900,000 people, many of whom own Holdens (qv).
The capital is Wellington; which is really boring and windy and don't go there.
The fourth largest New Zealand city is called Bondi, a suburb of Sydney. It has more New Zealanders in it than Hamilton (qv).
Lake Taupo, situated in the centre of the North Island, is very big, but smaller than Texas, and has less guns but more trout.
All you need know when traveling in New Zealand is:
# North Island: beaches
# South Island: mountains
...and don't go to Dannevirke, you'll hate it.
I was recently told about the perfect NZ tourist's map. It is a world map produced by an English publisher for use in schools, probably in the 1940s or 50s. It has marked on New Zealand three cities - Auckland, Wellington and Bennydale.
Go to Bennydale, it's choice. Mollusc's dad got beaten up by a big Maori woman in the Bennydale pub in 1976.
If you're a Crowded House or Split Enz fan, a pilgrimage to Te Awamutu is essential. You will see why Split Enz split, and why Neil Finn now lives in Melbourne.
Hamilton is a strange place - very foggy in winter, and not in Canada (or Connecticut). If you are hitch hiking in the area and somebody offers you a lift "as far as Hamilton", you can guarantee you will end up walking from one side of town to the other, which will a) take about two hours and b) not endear you to any part of the stinky, boring, flat, green Waikato plains.
History
Many years ago a bloke called Maui went fishing with his brothers, using his grandmother's jawbone as a fish hook (apparently his grandmother's jaw fell off through overuse, an object lesson in verbosity). He caught a big fish and hauled it to the surface. It was a big fish (man). Like, really really big. About as big as the North Island. In fact, if the truth be told, it *was* the North Island. But that's okay, because Maui's canoe was pretty large as well, as big as The South Island. (get the picture?)
Maui's brothers, seeing the size of the fish, became jealous and laid into it with their meres and axes and stuff, thus conveniently terraforming it into a fairly rugged bit of heavily forested fish (or land, as geologists prefer to call it).
A bit after that, in a huge migration from Hawaiiki (probably no relation), the Maori people arrived in this new land of Aotearoa, The Land of The Long White Cloud.
After spending about 1000 years not inventing the internal combustion engine, nuclear weapons, those horrible guttering systems which get clogged up with leaves and twigs and dead sparrows and need to be cleaned out every six months, or Unix, the country was colonised (invaded) by Europeans, bringing blankets, muskets, whaling ships, God, syphilis, tuberculosis and guttering systems.
The Maoris, overwhelmed by the European's staggering generosity, occasionally went berko and killed some settlers, but to no avail. By 1840, the Treaty of Waitangi - popularly advertised as New Zealand's founding document - was signed by the Governor of New Zealand (representing Queen Vicky of England) and various Maori chiefs, representing each tribe.
After another thirty years of bloodshed, things began to settle down a little bit and the real business of farming sheep and building towns like Bulls could begin in earnest.
Bulls was built. It still exists today. Aaaaaargh.
The capital was moved from Russell to Auckland to Wellington to London to Washington. There was speculation during the 1940 s that the new capital might be Berlin or Tokyo, but such rumours were unfounded in the cold impartial light of military superiority and nuclear weapons.
World War One came, and with it came the battle of Gallipoli, in which heaps of Kiwis and Aussies got dropped on the wrong beach by a Pommie Bastard who was probably marinating his brain in gin at the time. A battle that should have lasted about twelve hours lasted six months, and cost Gunner Spinley (Mollusc's grandad) his face, which stopped a Turkish bullet.
World War Two rolled around, and thousands more Kiwis died displaying the refreshing lack of self-preservation that Allied High Command was so enarmoured with.
The score stands at New Zealand two, Germany nil.
Nuclear ships stopped coming in 1984 with the election of The First Labour Government in a Very Long Time. America loves us slightly less than it did before.
The French blew up a Greenpeace ship, The Rainbow Warrior, in Auckland in 1985. We like the French slightly less than we did before. However, due to the fact that we export dairy products and beef and lamb to France, we don't dislike them enough to really do anything about it.
We won the Rugby World Cup in 1987 and nobody really cares, except Westies (qv) and their fathers.
We had a sesquicentenial in 1990 (150th anniversary - we note with interest that the word did not exist prior to 1990). It was crap and lost lots of money.
Politics
There are three main political parties in New Zealand: National, Labour and McGillicuddy Serious.
National: Currently the government. A bunch of right wing dickheads, intent of reducing inflation to 0-2% per annum by taking away everybody's money until nobody can afford anything, so prices don't go up. Simple? Rumour has it, so too is the Minister of Finance.
Labour: The Opposition. A bunch of right wing dickheads, who used to be a bunch of left wing dickheads until 1984 when, rumour has it, their souls were all sold to the Business Round Table (Mafia). We don't believe this, no no no, not at all. But it's worth repeating.
McGilicuddy Serious: Scottish Monarchist Regressionists, intent in re-establishing the Jacobite line to supreme executive office, then disassembling all the trappings of modern technology (internal combustion engines, guttering systems, Unix, etc) and living a life of pastoral, clan-oriented bliss. Due to growing popular disillusionment with both National and Labour, an outside favourite to win the 1993 general election.
It is interesting to note that New Zealand has no formal constitution and only one house of Parliament. So, if The McGillicuddy Serious Party is elected, it can do all this quite legally.
Culture
Buzzy Bees: A quintessential piece of Kiwiana. It is a small wooden bee that toddlers can drag around on a piece of string. It has wings that rotate (backwards) and it makes a weird clicking sound. They are no longer made, much to the author 's remorse.
The Edmond's Cook Book: More copies of this book have been sold in New Zealand than any other book (ever). Produced by Edmonds, makers of fine Baking Powder, Cake Mix and Bournville Cocoa. There are hundreds of recipes, many incorporating Edmond's "Sure to Rise" Baking Powder, Edmond's Cake Mix, and Bournville Cocoa.
Holdens: Holden is an Australian car manufacturer, a subsidiary of General Motors. Most Australisians either don't know this, or don't care. The classic New Zealand car is a very old grey Holden station wagon, with shot suspension and dodgy brakes. It is driven by Westies (qv). They are popular because they are cheap (because they are crap) and have big engines, which may or may not be V8s. We don't know, nor care. We are cyclists, who dislike most cars and hate Holdens.
Swannies: Woolen bush shirts and jackets made by Swanndri NZ Ltd. Very waterproof, scratchy, rugged, warm and make you look like a mass murderer when hitch hiking.
Pavlova: 3 egg whites 1 teaspoon vinegar
3 tablespoons cold water 1 teaspoon vanilla essence
1 cup castor sugar 3 teaspoons cornflour
Beat egg whites until stiff, add cold water and beat again. Add
castor sugar gradually while still beating. Slow beater and add
vinegar, vanilla and cornflour. Place of greased paper on greased
tray and bake at 150 degrees C (300 F) for 45 minutes, then leave to
cool in the oven.
(Courtesy of The Edmond's Cookbook (naturally)).
This recipie never works, nor does any other recipie for pav, except this one:
$15 Bicycle
Carrier bag
Ride bicycle down to supermarket, purchase pavlova with $15, place in
carrier bag. Ride home. Remove pavlova from carrier bag, place in
cold oven. When guests arrive, remove from oven and say "Look at this
pav I just made!"
Any Australians, South Africans, Yugoslavians or Tibetans who tell you that the pav was invented in their country are liars and are not to be believed.
Pies: North Americans may be unfamiliar with this phenomenon. A pie is a savoury hors d'oeuvres pastry thing, but three times the size, filled with meat (from whence we can only guess) and with a lid on.
The worst pies in New Zealand can be had for NZ$1.60 a piece at a grimy, smelly, cockroach-infested petrol station by Lake Karapiro. Coming a close second are the infamous Putrid Pies of Panmure (a suburb of Auckland). They seem to be available from all the bakeries - do not touch them, they are the source of all evil.
There are some quite nice pies in Queenstown, but we really hate Queenstown, and this ruins the whole pie eating experience for us. There are also some quite nice pies in Onehunga (south Auckland). However, it should be noted that pies can never be rated at anything above "good". Also, pie criticism is one of the most subjective things imaginable.
Westies: Westies are youths who wear black jeans, basketball boots, black jerseys and black tee shirts. They have long hair at the back, short hair at the front. They listen to far too much AC/DC, Midnight Oil and U2 for their own good. They drive Holdens, and are typically called Wayne or Trev. They can be distinguished from Goths in that they usually have axle grease all over their hands, jerseys, etc and don't like The Sisters of Mercy and haven't heard of Bauhaus. Also, they usually have suntans and have no unwarranted suicidal tendencies. They play rugby league and drink Rheineck (beer coloured piss-water). The are singularly stupid, but are common all over New Zealand, especially in the small towns. The original Westies are from, as far as we can work out, West Auckland - Henderson, Te Atatu, etc. The American equivalent would be Bruce Springsteen the Panelbeater.
Sticky Filth: A band from New Plymouth. On the surface they appear to be three Westies who make a nasty noise. This is a fair statement, except that the singer/bassist has no hair, and they wear Doc Martens instead of basketball boots. They play a kind of fast, speed metal noise - a kind of cross between Dinosaur Jr, Napalm Death and a revving chainsaw.
His Majesty's Carpark, Auckland: Used to be His Majesty's Theatre, now a carpark. Used to be a cultural icon, now a carpark. Cars park there. Not bicycles, or theatre goers (obviously). Some Holdens may be found there.
The North Western Motorway: A fun thing to run across while on acid.
The Burning Giraffe: The name of our flat. Home of all that is good and righteous in the world, and venue for some pretty Goddamn demon parties, like last night, for example - a few more holes in the walls, some of the fence got burnt (it swore at Mollusc, apparently, so it had to die), furniture and barbeque got burnt too. C'est la mort. It was the final break-up party - we seven (plus assorted girlfriends, cat, dog etc) are going our more-or-less seperate ways after 15 odd months of sex, squalor, starvation and psychoactive substances. We'll be sorry to see the place go, but perhaps it was time - the back yard is full of beer bottles and charred aerosol cans, the front door won't close and the toilet has developed an alarming list to starboard (we're not kidding - eventually it's going to fall through the floor).
Finally, a joke:
Why did the chicken receive the Victoria Cross?
For valour.
Yours at 4am;
Rabbi and Mollusc, fuckabouts at large.
P.S. Careful readers will note there are no questions in this FAQ file.
Bugger.
posted by Brad | 3:58 PM
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